I’m a Rebel, If That’s Okay with You

Published on June 4, 2019

Look out because I’m a rebel. Things are about to get shook! If you have a minute.

That’s right. Step aside! I will challenge every sacred notion you have. All your bogus, established ways of thinking will come crashing down. To be clear, I’m merely offering suggestions. These are open questions, really. Only you have the answers.

if you don’t like any of this, just say the word and I’ll immediately take back everything I’m saying. Other than that, no one tells me what to do! I will bring the world to heel! If you’ll allow it.

Or, I can stop talking now if that’s better. That way you can take charge.

I’m a trailblazer! Let me know if that works for you. See, my motto is, “Rules are made to be broken!” That was everyone’s favorite. How about you, though? Yours is the only opinion that matters. If you don’t like it, consider it scrapped. I’m a rebel but I’m not crazy. Your wisdom reigns supreme.

Specifically, I’m gonna bring down the power structure. The government! The Catholic church! Oh, are you Catholic? I’m sorry. I totally respect your religious beliefs. I wouldn’t dream of offending you.

I’ll topple the dominant paradigm! The accepted narrative will be rewritten! The people don’t even realize they’re being fed lies. They’re being lead to their own slaughter! Let me know how that sits with you. I can totally fight the power if I get the go-ahead from you. I’m a renegade to the core, ready to introduce a bold new way of thinking to the masses! But please be my mentor. Tell me exactly how to do this.

Someone needs to stand up to the status quo, right? That person is me. Is that correct? Am I rebellious enough? Appraise me, my master: Am I a lone wolf? I want to be, but I wouldn’t dream of doing anything without your say-so.

No one can stop me! Should I keep going? Instead of being a wolf, I could — if you give me the green light — be a sheep who dutifully follows his shepherd — his fearsome leader. That would be you, sir. I humbly bow to you in all matters concerning this uprising.

I want to be the exact kind of rebel you want. I’m doing all this for you. I don’t even have to be a rebel if you don’t want. Control me! Do you need some help moving? I have a van. Need someone to clean up around your house? I’ll do it. I’ll scour every square inch on my hands and knees. I’ll lick your bathroom till it sparkles. You don’t even have to pay me.

What do you command of your little renegade sheep, my lord? I await, stroking your feet, ready for revolt. I am your rebel puppet, your submissive insurgent plaything, cocked-and-loaded and ready for a fight to end the tyranny of our oppressors. You’re the only person who can pull the trigger. I live to serve you.

Your eyes, they grow wide with … excitement? Disappointment? Fury? Lead me! I’m lost without you!

I’m clearly being put to the test by the great one — you!

You’re asking me to stay here, right? To rebel against whatever you want, my fearless overseer! I will try to hold my ground. No, I’ll move closer to you! Too close? Okay, backing up.

Am I a rebel or a stooge? Your unknowable expression suggests neither! I’ll wait here as long as it takes. Or until you ask me to go away. What? I should leave now? Okay.

Before I go, tell me, once and for all, is it okay to call myself a rebel? Can I bring fire and destruction to the ruling elites and bring society to its knees under a new world order? Should I burn down all the pillars of civilization—the universities, culture, the family unit? This absolutely requires your approval!

Maybe this just isn’t a good time. That’s okay. No pressure. I’ll try again Tuesday.

Scott Dikkers is a Columnist at Grit Daily. He is the founder of TheOnion.com, The AVClub, and Blaffo. He's also the #1 New York Times bestselling author of How to Write Funny and Outrageous Marketing: The Story of The Onion and How to Build a Powerful Brand with No Marketing Budget.

Read more

More GD News