Scott Dikkers

Scott Dikkers is a Columnist at Grit Daily. He is the founder of TheOnion.com, The AVClub, and Blaffo. He's also the #1 New York Times bestselling author of How to Write Funny and Outrageous Marketing: The Story of The Onion and How to Build a Powerful Brand with No Marketing Budget.

Scott Dikkers: All Things Considered, I Surpass You with Respect to Rapping

When all the factors are carefully examined, I am confident the prevailing opinion will hold that my rapping skills exceed yours by an order of magnitude. I shall now lay out the key points of my thesis. Of these factors, chief among them include but are not limited to (1) my ability to compose rhymes that are “dope,” i.e., among the most unique in the “hip hop” song genre. (2) My self-assuredness with a microphone, which I will describe in detail—almost as if you are witnessing me actually...

I’m a Rebel, If That’s Okay with You

Look out because I’m a rebel. Things are about to get shook! If you have a minute. That’s right. Step aside! I will challenge every sacred notion you have. All your bogus, established ways of thinking will come crashing down. To be clear, I’m merely offering suggestions. These are open questions, really. Only you have the answers. if you don’t like any of this, just say the word and I’ll immediately take back everything I’m saying. Other than that, no one tells me what to do! I will bring the...

A Hardy Thank You to the Man on the Bus Wearing Enough Cologne for All of Us

Thanks, dude, for filling this crowded bus with your “captivating” and sickly-sweet cologne. It smells sooo good! Can you tell I’m rolling my eyes? Because I am. This is sarcasm. To put it bluntly, you stink! Like morning breath and orange juice. I mean, who does that? Who slathers on so much Axe Body Spray or Versace Eros or whatever the heck toilet water this guy’s wearing that there are literally visible “smell lines” emanating from his large, confident, erect body? Sheesh! I can’t be the...

Society Needs to Turn Off the Screens and Get Back to Real-Life Gladiator Games

We’ve all heard the statistics. The average person spends 12 hours a day in front of a screen, but less than 20 minutes ritually fighting another gladiator to the death. America can do better. Have We Forgotten How to Wield a Battle Axe? While young people in our schools are logging screen time in and out of the classroom, they’re failing to build actionable, real-world gladiator skills like how to wield a battle axe in hand-to-hand combat in the fighting arena. Our best hope for the future...

I Just Need to Get My Life Organized and My Limbs Reattached

You know that tabletop in your house piled with papers, mail, and stuff you have to deal with? Mine is a disaster! There’s tax forms I need to file, an autopay notice from my bank, plus all the papers are soaked in blood spraying from the shoulder socket where my arm used to be. It’s a mess! It’s tough to stay organized. Like with recycling grocery bags, for example. I try to remember to bring a reusable bag to the supermarket but I always forget. So I get paper bags, and then I fold those and...

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