I Just Need to Get My Life Organized and My Limbs Reattached

Published on April 10, 2019

You know that tabletop in your house piled with papers, mail, and stuff you have to deal with? Mine is a disaster! There’s tax forms I need to file, an autopay notice from my bank, plus all the papers are soaked in blood spraying from the shoulder socket where my arm used to be. It’s a mess!

It’s tough to stay organized. Like with recycling grocery bags, for example. I try to remember to bring a reusable bag to the supermarket but I always forget. So I get paper bags, and then I fold those and save them in a cupboard. Now I’ve got a cupboard filled with paper bags. Am I ever going to use all these bags? No, because you need arms to use paper bags and my arms got hacked off when I was trying to put away the chainsaw and they’re somewhere around here, god knows where.

It’s one of those weeks!

The thing that really gets me is pens. Why is it that every time I need one, I can’t find one? Why don’t I keep one in my right pant pocket so it’s easy to grab when I need it? That’s a simple solution, right? But I never think of it. On a related question, what’s that major artery at the top of your leg? Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure mine is flapping around and spewing blood like a cut hose at the bottom of my torso as I flop around on the floor.

I need a life coach!

Here’s one that always irritates me: have you ever walked into a room and wondered why you went there in the first place? That happens to me all the time. Something like that is happening right now because I can’t remember why I needed a pen. I think I’m getting light-headed.

With me it’s always a last-minute rush. I’m never on top of things. I can’t even stand. Where are my feet?

I can’t see it anymore because I’m just a slab of immobile meat with a head on it, but there’s a mug on my desk that’s supposed to have pens in it. Problem is, it’s filled with a bunch of things that aren’t pens that I don’t even use! There’s a green felt-tip marker I think, a yellow highlighter, and some unsharpened pencils. Why do I keep that stuff? I never use it! At the bottom there’s paper clips, safety pins, and a penny. Say what?! How did those things even get there?

How can I ever get organized when I don’t have the kind of mind that thinks in terms of efficiency? And also I’m just involuntarily slamming my face into the blood-soaked floor because I really can’t move any other part of my body. Maybe I could slither, but where am I even going?

Goddammit! I just remembered I had a 2 o’clock appointment but the notifications on my calendar app are all screwed up. It’s like you have to be an efficiency guru and a computer programer with limbs to get your life in order!

If I ever get my limbs reattached I’m definitely going to remember to check my notification settings and go to OfficeMax and get a whole box of pens. Then I’ll feel like I’ve got things handled.

I’m in a great deal of pain.

I remember reading somewhere about how you have to focus on things that are urgent and important first, then urgent but not important. Then I forget what the next category is. I can’t even think clearly because my dog is lapping up blood around me, and that’s just gross. I would tell him “no,” but whenever I try to yell it’s just this disgusting gurgling sound because there’s more blood in my mouth every second. Do I have internal wounds?

Maybe I just need to accept the fact that sometimes life has no order to it. Maybe I need to embrace the chaos. Because I’m starting to feel a warm peace about it all, like everything’s slowing down as my eyes close and I get all cozy somehow.

Maybe I should take up meditation.

Scott Dikkers is a Columnist at Grit Daily. He is the founder of TheOnion.com, The AVClub, and Blaffo. He's also the #1 New York Times bestselling author of How to Write Funny and Outrageous Marketing: The Story of The Onion and How to Build a Powerful Brand with No Marketing Budget.

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