For many couples, physical intimacy is treated as the final task of the day. Something to get to after work, parenting, and responsibilities are finished. By the time bedtime arrives, exhaustion has already taken over, and intimacy quietly slips off the to-do list.
Sexuality educator and TEDx speaker Courtney Fae Long believes this cultural habit plays a much bigger role in sexual struggles than most people realize. Not because bedtime is wrong, but because for many couples, it is the least supportive time for connection.
How Bedtime Became the Default
Modern life has trained couples to see sex as something squeezed in at the end of the day. After productivity. After chores. After everyone else’s needs are met.
The problem isn’t desire. It’s timing.
As the day progresses, stress accumulates, and minds are maxed out. Energy drops, patience is thinner, and touch feels like effort. By nightfall, many people are operating on empty.
For couples over 40, this effect becomes even more noticeable as hormonal shifts and daily stress can make late-night intimacy feel harder than it used to. Many men find erections harder to maintain at night, while many women find it harder to feel turned on — not because desire is gone, but because fatigue and stress interfere with the body’s natural arousal response. Waiting until bedtime often means waiting until the moment when connection feels hardest.
Why Earlier Can Be Better
Physiologically, testosterone levels tend to be higher earlier in the day, while the nervous system becomes more taxed as the day goes on, juggling demands, decisions, and constant stimulation. Emotionally, people are often more present, relaxed, and open before exhaustion sets in.
Long notes that many happy couples don’t wait until bedtime. They prioritize intimacy earlier, when they have more energy and emotional bandwidth to actually enjoy it. For some, that looks like morning connection. For others, it might be a lunch break, time before dinner, or weekend daytime intimacy.
This shift isn’t about finding a perfect schedule. It’s about choosing a time when intimacy feels inviting rather than effortful.
Timing Over Desire
When couples struggle with physical intimacy, they often assume something is wrong with their libido. In reality, the issue is frequently logistical rather than physical or emotional.
Many people still want a sexual connection. They’re just trying to access it at the most depleted moment of the day.
Reframing intimacy as flexible instead of fixed to bedtime removes unnecessary pressure. It allows couples to work with their natural rhythms instead of against them.
Addressing Real Life Constraints
Parents, professionals, and busy couples often push back against the idea of earlier intimacy, assuming it’s unrealistic. Long emphasizes that this isn’t about perfection, but intention.
Small shifts matter. Scheduling a babysitter once a week. Making use of quieter daytime moments. Starting date night with physical intimacy first, then dinner and a movie are spent basking in the afterglow. Giving intimacy a place earlier in the day when energy is still available.
Bedtime can still work for some couples. The key is recognizing that it doesn’t have to be the only option.
Why This Impacts Happiness
Sex doesn’t just affect connection in the moment. Research suggests it can boost mood, confidence, and emotional bonding, effects that often last beyond the experience itself.
When intimacy happens earlier in the day, those benefits ripple outward. People often feel more energized, more connected, and better equipped to handle the rest of their responsibilities.
Rather than draining the last reserves of the day, intimacy becomes a source of joy and energy — a natural way to recharge our batteries.
Rethinking the Cultural Norm
There is no universal best time of day to have sex. The best time is when both partners feel most alive, present, and motivated.
For many couples, that time isn’t midnight.
By questioning the bedtime-only norm, couples give themselves permission to design intimacy around real life instead of outdated expectations. And often, that simple shift makes intimacy feel easier, more joyful, and far more sustainable.
